


Snapped

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-24
Updated: 2009-07-24
Packaged: 2017-11-26 01:06:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/644849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Guy's good deed doesn't go unpunished...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Snapped

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this thing on and off for the past two months now. I had the whole story planned out and everything, but I totally slacked off on the actual writing. Oopsie!
> 
> This story is set sometime in season one, but given that I haven't seen that season in AGES, this might've ended up a bit AU. Sorry! :)

**BANG! BANG! BANG!** _"MAWWIAN!"_

Marian grunted as she rolled over in her bed, slamming her pillow over her head. "Go away." She whispered sleepily from under the pillow, before succumbing to a fit of yawning. It was barely dawn, and the sun had not yet risen. The sky was a deep sapphire and littered with dark clouds tinged with pinks and purples. All of England was slumbering, even the demonic roosters that she often cursed loudly each and every morning - everyone except herself and the leather-clad jackass who was beating down her door.

It was Guy. She was sure of it. There were only two men that she knew of who would even remotely consider waking her up out of a sound sleep by banging loudly on her door and screaming her name into the cold, dark morning like a madman. However, only one of those men had the good sense to actually _use_ a door. 

**BANG! BANG! BANG!** _"MAWIAN! I NEED YOU!"_

Marian threw the pillow off her head and peered over at her window. Sure enough, it was devoid of her outlaw suitor. She laid in bed for a moment, focusing her tired, blood-shot eyes on the ceiling and having very happy thoughts about ramming her very wide boot up Guy's very narrow arse. 

**BANG! BANG!** _"MAWIAN! PWEESE OPEN UP!"_

She growled loudly as she sat up, rubbing her eyes and grabbing her robe from a nearby stool. She quickly threw it on, tied it together tightly and plodded sleepily out of her room.

Knighton Hall was almost entirely shrouded in darkness, save for the small fire the servants had left going to keep the house warm throughout the night. Marian made her way down the stairs carefully and headed directly for the fireplace. Grabbing a candle from the mantle, she lit it off the fire and walked slowly over to the door.

 **BANG! BANG!** _"MAWWWWIAN!!!"_

Marian rolled her eyes, recognizing the deep, baritone voice coming from the man on the other side of the door. "I'm coming, GUY!" She yelled back as she irritatedly stomped her way over to the door. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't have been as harsh with her reply and she would've also referred to him as "Sir Guy;" however, it was much too early for such pleasantries. She set the candle down onto a nearby table and yanked the heavy door open. Guy stood in front of her, his back turned and his arm resting on one of the outside posts of the house.

"Gud mowning, Mawian." Guy told her, his voice sounding a bit nasal and pained. He also kept his back turned, which Marian found rather odd.

Quickly, Marian sniffed the air, expecting to find the scent of alcohol. After all, why else would he be banging on her door at such an obscene hour of the morning? Strangely enough, she smelled nothing out of the ordinary. It was a conundrum, she thought, as she found her tired eyes swiftly traveling down towards Guy's perfect buttocks. She cracked a slight smile as she stared at the tight, perfectly round orbs of flesh protruding from the back of his pants, wondering if they felt as squishy as they appeared. She deeply lamented the fact that his pants were not leather like the rest of his outfit.

"Guy?" She finally spoke as she forced her eyes up toward the back of his head, hoping to distract herself from the torrent of naughty thoughts flooding her brain. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"

"Yesh, and I shuld not hab come heer. I am sowwy." Guy said, still sounding quite pained. He began to walk off.

Marian sighed. It was probably not a good idea to offend him, she thought, as she watched the way his perfect, squishy-looking arse moved back and forth as he walked.

"Guy! Wait." She called to him, her eyes still focused on his behind. "I should apologize. I do not mean to be rude. It's just that it's so early and I am not properly awake yet."  
"I shuld not hab distuwbed yoo, it's just..." He trailed off.

Obviously, something bad had happened, Marian told herself. It was highly unlikely that tall, dark and stabby would've shown up at her door so early in the morning completely and utterly sober if all was well. Were they being attacked? Had the King returned? Was the traitorous Prince John's head sticking on a pike somewhere? Or, had the Sheriff been murdered, hanged, tortured, flayed, disembodied and/or otherwise no longer breathing? She had her fingers crossed for the latter.

"Guy, tell me: what is it? What's wrong?" She asked sweetly, finally looking up at the back of his head.

Guy let out a low groan. Slowly, he turned around to face Marian. She gasped loudly as she saw his face. Both of his eyes were surrounded with dark, black and blue bruises, and the bridge of his nose was quite swollen. However, Marian had only briefly noticed these injuries. What caught her attention the most was the baby snapping turtle dangling from the end of his nose.

Marian stood there, completely speechless. After a few moments, she managed a quick "Wha...? How...?" before her ability to speak was once again taken by the sight of the turtle.

"I...I twied to doo a good deed." Guy admitted, his eyes looking tired and pained, "My men and I wuh out in duh woods wooking for Hood and 'is gang and dere wuz dis baby tuwtle in duh woad. I thought if I wan it ober, you might tink wess of me."

Marian smiled before she realized it. "That was very kind of you, Guy." She told him, "But, please do not injure yourself on my account. I do not know what I would do if something happened to you."

Marian's mouth fell agape at the words that had just exited her mouth, completely without warning. _"Oh dear Lord, why did I say that?! There is no need in leading him on any more than is necessary. I am in love with Robin, after all!"_ She reminded herself, angrily. She quickly forced her mouth into a smile, hoping that Guy wouldn't notice.

Guy smiled back, his cheeks turning slightly red. The turtle pooped heavily down the front of Guy's coat. He sighed, and Marian stifled a giggle.

"I wuz hoping yuu might know how to git it off me. I heawd dey'll only wet go when dey heah thunduh. That's not twu, is it?"  
"I do not think so. Please, come in." Marian said, motioning towards the door. She opened it and led Guy and herself inside. Instructing him to take a seat on the table, she quickly handed him a towel to so he could wipe the poo from his coat. She then began walking around the darkened room, lighting candles and placing them into strategic locations. Soon, the room was bright enough for her to work.

Marian walked over and began to examine Guy's nose and the baby turtle dangling from it. In the light, the swelling and bruising looked much worse than it had outside.

"I think your nose may be broken," She told him.  
"I wuddn't doubt it." He breathed. "One uv my men twied to git duh tuwtle off wit his swowd."  
"A sword?! He did realize your head was attached to the turtle, right?"  
"He did, aftuh he swung duh swowd at me. I dodged it and walked face fiwwst into a twee bwanch."

Marian shook her head. "Have you and the Sheriff considered forcing your guards to submit to some sort of intelligence test _before_ giving them swords?"  
"I wish." Guy sighed. "I tink duh Shewwiff finds duh whole 'inept guawd' thing hilawwious, dough."

Before Marian could reply, she heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs. She froze. They had woke her father.

"Marian, I heard a lot of commotion, is everything alright?" Sir Edward asked, yawning heavily as he stepped into view. Rubbing his tired eyes, he stared at Marian, then at Guy, then at the turtle, then back to Guy and finally, back to Marian.

Marian smiled sheepishly, awaiting a lecture about sneaking boys into the house at ungodly hours; however, Sir Edward just shook his head and looked up at the ceiling.

"Dear Lord, why do you do this to me?" He said, as he turned and headed back upstairs, "I could be dreaming of sexy, naked bar wenches, but noooo...Instead, I dream of my daughter helping out a damn fool with a turtle hanging off his enormous nose!"

Marian bit her lip to keep from giggling. Guy's mouth fell open slightly as he stared at her father strangely.

"Did 'e just call me a 'fool?'" Guy finally asked.  
"Oh, Guy," Marian chuckled, grabbing a few supplies from one of the cupboards in the room. "You know how fathers are when it comes to their daughters. You're very lucky he's not a few years younger, otherwise he might do to you what he did to poor Robin."  
"What'd 'e doo to Hood?" Guy grinned.  
"I am sworn to secrecy." Marian smiled. "However, there was a reason why Robin ran off to the crusades...a very, _very_ good reason."

Guy laughed, as he tried to imagine Sir Edward chasing Hood down with a sword.

Setting a few clean cloths, a leaf of lettuce and a small, wooden box down onto the table, Marian instructed Guy to support the irate reptile's back end, something he protested.

"But, what if 'e poops on me, again?" Guy asked, looking quite serious (or, at least, as serious as anyone with a turtle dangling from their nose _could_ look.)  
"I don't think he'll go again so soon." Marian told him.

Taking the lettuce off the table, she began trying to coax the turtle off of Guy's nose. His nose twitched as the lettuce tickled him.

"Try not to sneeze, Guy." Marian instructed, studying the turtle's head intensely. "It would probably be better not to startle it."  
"Wight. Sowwy." Guy replied.

Marian continued to wiggle the lettuce in front of the turtle until it finally eased up on Guy's nose, and snapped wildly at the green, leafy vegetable. As the turtle chomped happily on the lettuce, Marian quickly set it down into the small box and stuck one of the clean cloths to Guy's nose, which had begun to bleed heavily.

"Lean your head forward a bit." Marian said, guiding his head forward, "There, that's better."  
"Thank you." He said, speaking normally. He then squeezed his eyes closed in pain as the cloth began to fill with blood.  
"You're welcome," Marian replied.

She walked back over to the cupboard and took out a clove of garlic. She then grabbed a sharp knife, a pitcher of water and a large bowl from the counter, and walked back over to Guy. Peeling the garlic, she began to carefully slice it up in the bowl. Guy groaned, sat his head up and removed the bloodied cloth.

"I can treat the wound," Marian told him, pouring some water over the garlic in the bowl, "But I'm afraid I can do nothing for the pain."

Guy stared at her mischievously, cracking a lop-sided grin.

"I have always heard that a kiss from a beautiful, young maid at the very site where the pain emanates can put an end to it, just like magic." He told her, smirking.  
Marian placed her hands on her hips and smiled back at him coyly. _"It would probably be wise to play along,"_ she thought to herself, _"A small peck means nothing to me - I am in love with Robin Hood, after all!"_

"Where does it hurt, then?" She asked him.  
"Here." Guy told her, pointing at the tip of his nose. Marian bent over and kissed him quickly.  
"Did that work?"  
"Oh yes, quite well. But, now it hurts here." He replied, pointing to a spot on his cheek.  
"Perhaps, the 'magic' just moves the pain, instead of taking it away." Said Marian.  
"I suppose there's only one way to find out." Guy responded, almost chuckling.

Marian quickly bent over and swiftly pecked him on the cheek. Guy smiled at her playfully.

"You might be right, Marian. The pain moved down here, now." He said, pointing at his lips.

Marian shook her head. She knew _that_ was coming. She bent down a third time and kissed Guy on the lips; however, unlike the first two kisses, she did not quickly pull away. As soon as their lips touched, Marian felt an unusual jolt that she'd never felt before. Her entire body was tingling strangely, and she felt a seemingly unexplainable desire to grab onto him and kiss him as passionately as she could. But, she refrained, and pulled away from Guy. She slowly opened her eyes, trying to ignore the strange fluttering in her chest. Staring deeply into his bluish-gray eyes, Marian knew one thing for certain: she had not been the only one who had experienced such a peculiar jolt. He had felt it, too.

They continued to stare at each other, without blinking or moving a muscle, until the baby turtle escaped from the box and quickly snapped Guy directly on his backside.

"YEEEEOOOW!" He exclaimed, quickly rolling over onto his side to inspect the damage. The turtle hung onto Guy's left cheek tightly. Guy gasped in horror and frustration and looked over at Marian, his eyes pleading.

Marian sighed and placed her hands on her hips.

"I'm not kissing you _there_ , Guy." She said.

* * *

#### Epilogue.

**BANG! BANG!**

It was a warm, spring morning in Locksley. The sky was still pitch black, and everyone in the village was sleeping - even the evil, demonic roosters. In fact, the only sounds that could be heard came from the chirping crickets, the croaking frogs and the loud bangs of rocks being pelted against Guy of Gisborne's front door.

**BANG!**

Guy spit out a multitude of curses as he threw the covers off and crawled out of bed. He quickly wiped the dried drool from the side of his mouth and stomped angrily toward the chair on the opposite end of the room. Pulling his sword from it's sheath, he turned and headed downstairs, prepared to put an end to this door-banging nonsense. 

**BANG! BANG! BANG!**

Guy quickly kicked the door open and immediately lamented the fact he had not bothered to put his boots on (or his pants, or shirt, or coat.) Cursing loudly from the pain in his foot, he thrust his sword in front of him, only to find nothing there except for a scattered pile of rocks and bundle of brightly-colored cloth tied together with a bow and adorned with a note.

 _"Oh God, it better not be another baby,"_ he thought to himself as he bent down to inspect the package. Quickly realizing there was no infant wrapped inside the bundle, Guy breathed a sigh of relief. He plucked the note from the bundle and eyed it carefully. Written in large, colorful, loopy letters were the words "Happy Birthday, Sir Guy."

"Birthday?" He said aloud, rubbing his hand through his dark hair, which was sticking up haphazardly, and scratching his head. Suddenly, it hit him that he'd been thirty-two for several full hours without even realizing it. He chuckled quietly, quite amazed that he'd actually forgotten his own birthday. He then stared down at the "gift" cautiously, wondering who had sent it and what it contained. In his line of work, it was better to be safe than sorry.

He picked up the package and shook it, listening for anything that might sound dangerous. However, he heard nothing. With his curiosity quickly getting the better of him, Guy tore into the gift with great ferocity. Pulling the contents out, he held them in front of him and gazed at them strangely.

"Leather pants?" He finally said, looking quite surprised.

Hidden somewhere in the bushes nearby, the Nightwatchman began to giggle mischievously...


End file.
